Lester’s in a book! My most favourite character, Lester — a vampire too stupid to vampire — is in the Black Candies: The Eighties anthology for sale on Amazon! Read an excerpt below and buy it here, if you’re so inclined…
Lester was a sucky vampire. Oh man that’s an awful pun. I meant to say he was bad at vampiring. And it was his own stupid fault that he died. And his own stupid fault that is death unleashed a terror in our town.
Of course, we kinda learned this the hard way because okay he did kill one person in my lifetime, but it was only Mr. Hersham, who was 87 years old and got around in one of those old-people-mobiles, the ones that look like a mix between a wheelchair and a shopping cart? Mr. H was zipping around in that thing after dark on one of those nights when Lester was in a biting mood and had the misfortune of bumping right into Lester’s ankles without even saying sorry. You know what assholes those shopping cart drivers can be.
Well he realized his mistake right quick once Lester turned around and stared him down with those blank eyes so he backed that shit up, did a 180 and buzzed back down the street. Lester let him get a ways on before chasing after him — even though Mr. Hersham’s wheelchair thingy was “errrrr-errrrrrr”ing it down the street like Formula One — and drank all the life out of him. Which wasn’t much, given the man had one foot in the grave already. Which is why we all forgave him that one indiscretion. I asked Lester if people’s blood had different tastes, like, did Mr. Hersham’s blood taste like some old-people nutritional drink? But he said he doesn’t remember anything when the blood lust subsides.