“I’m telling you – the guy was a complete stranger, just walked up and gave me the bag.”

“Yeah, naw I’m not buying it – some random guy just walks up to you on the street, hands you a bag full of diamonds and walks off all casual like? No way, man.”

“But I’m telling you that’s exactly what happened, Bob! I didn’t even have time to think about the fact that I was holdin’ some bag for a stranger – it coulda been a bomb in there!”

“Okay okay so, say this actually happened…where did he get the diamonds? And why would he give them to you?”

“I have no idea, man. I’d say he was running from the cops or something except that no one was after him and, like I said, he was walking all calm-like, not in a hurry or nuthin’.”

“Pshaw…you’re pulling my leg, Ken. Gimme a break…”

“Look, I knew ya wouldn’t believe me – I can hardly believe it myself! – so…well…look.”

“… Ho. Lee. SHIT, Ken! Are you shittin’ me?!”

“I told ya, man! And there’s a whole bag full more I got under ma bed at home, this ain’t but a handful.”

“Dayum. How much you think them’s worth?”

“Aw Bob, I dunno nothin’ bout the diamond trade, man. But…I mean, millions, I guess?”

“Huh. So, what are you gonna do with ’em?”

“What, the diamonds?”

“Naw, the shoes you bought last year at JC Penney’s, Ken…”

“Ya okay okay, I dunno, I think I should go to the police, turn ’em in.”

“Well now hold on a minute, you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth now, Ken. You’ve just been given a goldmine. Think of how much money you’d get selling those rocks, the things you could do…the help you could give your friends. This shit could change our lives! Your life, I mean…”

“Ya, ya but I …ya…well…what if they’re stolen? They’re probably stolen, Bob, I mean, there’s some criminal activity or some…they’re tainted, you know? Probably marked or something? I could get arrested if I try and sell them. And where even would I sell them? Just, like, walk into a jewellery shop and be like, hey there! I’ve got some unaccounted diamonds for sale? Naw man I…imma turn ‘em in, first thing tomarra.”

“Now now hold the phone, Ken. Don’t make no rash decisions without thinkin’ this through. Look, how about I ask around about how you can fence these stones, get some quick cash. Then, you could give me a cut of the profits, you know, kinda’ like a seller’s fee, or sumthin’.”

“Aw naw man, naw naw, that’s…yeah I can’t do that man, I’m not cut out for that kinda business. I’m just gonna turn ‘em in an’ let the police deal with it. Wash my hands of it.”

“Goddammit Ken, you’re a damn fool! This could change your life! Man, the things I would do with that kind of cash…pay big Sal the money I got on the books, buy me a nice, big-ass house in the groves, leave my fat-ass, butt-ugly wife and get me some young, pretty thangs…hehe, young pretty thangs love them some diamonds, ain’t that right, Ken?”

“Ayuh, that’s troo, that’s troo, they do. But ya know I got my Alice at home and, ya, she ain’t young but she sure is pretty and imma bit too long in tha tooth maself for some young chicken.”

“For fuck’s sake, Ken! I…okay, okay, you say there’s a whole big bag, right? So, why don’t you just give me this handful here and then you can turn the rest over to the police? How about that? Your hands won’t get dirty then, huh, Ken?”

“Now now that wouldna’ be right, Bob. That’d be stealing, that’s what that is.”

“HOWCANITBESTEALINGIF…whoo, whooooo. How can it be stealing, Ken, if the man gave the bag to you? They’re you’re diamonds now!”

“Well now…well… I dunno where he gat them from, Bob! An’ ya know what, ya know what, Bob? He didn’t give the bag to you, okay? He gave it to me, and imma do what I think is right. What my gut tells me to do.”

“Oh lawdy. Oh lawdy, Ken. I’m afraid, Ken, that I’ve got to do the same.”

“Well whatcha’ mean by that, Bob?”

“Sorry, buddy.”

“Huh…wait, Bob, wha…what’re ya doin’ there, Bob? What’re ya doin’ with that knife, Bob? BOBWHADDAREYADOIN!! WHADDAR…”

“Awrite, Ken, awrite, shhhhh. It’ll be over soon.

See Ken? It doesn’t pay to be such a goddamn goody-two-shoes. If you’da given me that handful of rocks, you wouldn’t be here bleeding out in the alley like a stuck pig, waitin’ ta meet your maker. No good deed, Ken, you know how it goes.

And, oh gosh, Ken, oh gosh: I sure hope pretty miss Alice ain’t home when I go fetch that bag…”